It’s the time of year when your family, his family or her family are getting together. Why is it that some feel this is a stressful experience; after all, it’s just family? When families get together everyone takes a step back in time and the pecking order or each person’s birth order comes into play.
No matter that Joann is now an investment banker in New York City, she is still the baby sister to her older siblings and is still treated the same way she was when she was growing up. Family has a way of erasing all of one’s accomplishments.
Why do families revert to Childhood Behavior Patterns?
Your birth order is your path throughout life and it doesn’t change when you leave the nest, get a job and have a family of your own. Your own family may sound too critical to you but they see the “real” you and no amount of window dressing can fool them into seeing you in a different light. This may be the reason many don’t come home for the holidays! Bringing up old wounds and sibling rivalries are unpleasant.
1. Why Birth Orders Clash
Every sibling has a different birth order in a family. When extended families get together, many will have the same birth order. This is where the problem begins. If we have two or three firstborns, who is really in charge? The fun part is for everyone to think about the other’s birth order to understand why conflicts exist and then work through them.
2. Playing the Sibling Birth Order Game
- Get each family to list all the siblings in their family. i.e. Anna 21, John 38, Sue 37, Becky 30
- Make sure you get the years between each successive sibling. Anna 3yr John 1yr Sue 7yr Becky
- Give each a number with the oldest being #1 Anna #1 John #2 Sue #3 Becky #4/0
- Those with four or more years between successive siblings will have Double Birth orders so add a 0 behind their birth order number. Beck is 7yrs younger than Sue and that is why she gets the 0. Adding this 0 Birth order magnifies and intensifies her #4 birth order characteristics.
- Find out which family members have the same birth order.
- Give a name tag to each person showing their birth order.
3. The Only Birth Order
This birth order may love having everyone around, something they missed as a child growing up alone. Others will like the solitude during the holidays and prefer being alone. This birth order will be the most adult of the group, the go to person if problems occur. Onlys like Condoleezza Rice and Rudolph Guliani would calm the waters.
4. The Firstborn
Similar to the only child, the firstborn is at the top of the pecking order. These are the people who want to give orders and be in charge or be very supportive. One can get a mental picture of the firstborn’s approach by just imagining Hillary Clinton and Julia Child in the same kitchen.
Both would want to be in charge. One giving orders the other supporting others with a different approach. If you are working with firstborn’s one approach to keep harmony would be to make each firstborn responsible for a different part of the meal.
5. The Second Born
Don’t tell a second born what to do! The second born may still be acting out their sibling rivalry with the firstborn. The second borns may want to take the competition outside for some touch football or any game where they can compete from cards to monopoly.
If the second born is in charge of dinner, you can bet it will be as perfect as possible—the second child often tries hard to unseat the older sibling. Second-born Martha Stewart, home and entertainment perfection guru, is a good example of a second-born child.
6. The Third Born
These are the masters of relationships and will be the observers watching the family in action, taking everything in. They make its their job to keep peace and keep everyone on an even keel. Laughing on the outside, you can bet they are feeling everything on the inside and won’t let it show.
The third born will know just which family members should sit together at the holiday table. Third-born Barbara Bush, wife of one president and mother of another, is the perfect example of the all-knowing, all-feeling third born who doesn’t let her tender side show. She is great at picking up vibes from people and can easily figure them out.
7. The Fourth Born
They are ready to have some fun! As the true babies in the family, everyone takes care of them and they can be the grease to keep the family having fun and keep things from getting too serious. The holiday party won’t be at their house unless someone else is in charge.
They prefer to sit at the little kids’ table, where they are right at home. Fourth-born Dolly Parton exhibits the playfulness of this birth order. Patricia Heaton who played Debra in the TV series (Everyone loves Raymond) shows this characteristic as well.
Beyond the Fourth Born
If you are from a large family, birth order starts over again for the children following the fourth child of the family. If you are a fifth born, you share the firstborn traits. If you are a sixth born, you share the second-born traits, and so on. Often the birth order traits are softened in these family members with 5th 6th7th 8th & 9th birth orders.
Some Variables
Birth order characteristics are not black and white and they can be influenced by many things—sibling deaths, divorce, blended families, and lengthy spacing between children, to name a few. For example, “double birth” family members are children spaced four years apart or more from their closest sibling.
A third (and last) child born five years after the second born of the family would carry a Three/Only birth order. Double birth order children carry characteristics of both of their birth orders. In many cases the blending magnifies and intensifies characteristics.
If a two is stubborn, then a Two/Only is an immovable object! President Donald Trump has a Double birth order, that of a firstborn and fourth born. That is why we see two sometimes contrasting behaviors one like an Adult, the One, and the other like a child the Four.
Let the Game Begin!
If you have a large group, give a name tag to each person identifying their birth order. It’s a great way to get the holiday dinner conversation going! Bon Appétit!